Possibly, some of you will find this article obvious or contradictory, but I would say in advance, I am not presenting the "one and only truth" of life. This is the knowledge from my experience and work with clients.
So, magnificent Hollywood shows us that the main goal of successful life is finding your "second half". After this meeting we would suddenly become happy and fulfill the life purpose. These relationships (in movies always romantic ones) are the magic pill. However, if you did not form a perfect relationship, it means there is something wrong with you, or your life is wrong. A typical example of this can be seen in the film "Bridgit Jones' Diary". The comments about Bridget’s personal life by her relatives and society are either judgment and pity, or irony, which is in fact the same thing — the disapproval. Also, it is implied that if you managed to find love, then love should overcome all difficulties (well, it is supposed to be like that, otherwise it is not real love).
However, I would argue that we were a little misled by how much power was given to the romantic and sexual feelings. Life experience and studies indicate that they do not guarantee and necessarily lead to secure long-term relationships. Why? Possibly because we are not always attracted to people with whom we share similar values, needs and life purpose, or with whom it is simply comfortable to share the household. As such, those components are key to the secure loving relationships.
But who attracts us then? We are attracted to people, who represent the qualities and provide sensations, which we understand as "love". But how do we know what is love?
First experience of love came from our parents and from our early environment. We cannot talk or understand the words yes, but we already know how it feels to be loved. It is recorded in our unconscious from very early ages, because we are born with the need to love and be loved. These first experiences will influence our further interpretations of love (might be even for the whole life, if we do not work specifically to correct it).
So what is the result? If in childhood we were lacking attention and love, our mother used to leave us alone, then we felt afraid and sad but interpreted this as parental love. That’s why unconsciously we will look for such patterns in our partners, even if consciously it seems crazy. If we are again and again unconsciously attracted to people, who leave us without attention, who break emotional links during difficult moments, then there is a big chance to receive re-traumatization of the wounds. In this case the relationship will be like a ship in a storm. There is love and attachment, and also there is insecurity of contact, sometimes unbearable soul pain.
Another question is why our partners are not able to stay with us in times we need. Most probably, they also have scenarios, making them run and rescue themselves. Because the parent did not respect his or her personal boundaries in childhood and demanded certain behavior. At that time, the child used to dive into his own inner world in order to feel secure, because it was difficult to escape physically.
So if you find yourself in the relationships, where you see similar patterns of behaviors, and despite love, you feel insecure sometimes, which also means constant stress, then it is a good reason to start exploring and working on childhood patterns, if both partners have resources and possibilities to do. In cases you have mutual aims, dreams and wishes in the relationships, they will help with pain and difficulties in life, and then, probably, it is called a compatible relationship.
